[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
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RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen