every raccoon you see is currently on parole
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“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Does your wife know you’re single?
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
What about second breakfast?
Oh my god
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car