Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
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C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
dude it’s called proctologist
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.