All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
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you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?