We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
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[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there