ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
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bad
worse
worst
worchester
How did we not see this back then?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I’ve been learning to cook.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?