MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
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Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
*seductively eats two tums*
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos