I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
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I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!