On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
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My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
You better watch out
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”