My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
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Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
According to math, I’m broke
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.