Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
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My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions: