*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
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Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?