Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
You Might Also Like
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.