fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
You Might Also Like
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
how long have you had this for?
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
adding to the discourse
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.