What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
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Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle