Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
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if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons