Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
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Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
This did not end as expected.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Steam Forums
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.