One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
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[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!