Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
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without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Favourite diary entry ever
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
it is time once again
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
the icebreaker
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35