Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
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My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.