Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
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safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Feels
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.