What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
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this has to be peak English
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.