My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
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[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
🙂🐾
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches