Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
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Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
step 6: release the wall snake
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.