Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
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Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
saving face 👀
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously