how do lawyers not cry when arguing
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Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
<—- homeless romantic
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.