Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
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Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
I just tested negative for patience.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.