I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
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I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
for all #parents out there
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!