If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
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As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous