My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
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[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently