Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
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Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
As the Lord intended
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.