Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
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It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.