You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
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Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.