I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
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If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.