Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
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*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no