I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
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Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
🖤✌🏽
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”