If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
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I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
dictator is short for richard potato
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly