In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
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[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Customize Your Wedding.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏