When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
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Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I bet
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
March 16
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.