Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
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A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.