Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
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Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
*puts my mental health in rice
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Well, that should do it
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?