I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
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I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
every. time.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper