Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
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HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.