Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
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if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’m not proud
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*