Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
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i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’