“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
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Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Ghost costume 😂
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.