teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
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The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
what it’s like dating me:
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.