This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
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Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.