when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
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I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
#MeanwhileinCanada
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Worst bar ever.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.