HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
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The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.